When God and Horses Talk

Last Friday I went with the Mommy & Me group from church to RideAble. RideAble is a horse facility that works with primarily disabled persons. The horses are a great tool for teaching, physical therapy, and confidence building. It's a beautiful facility with wonderfully patient and qualified instructors. I am so glad I went. I almost didn't because I am no longer an official "mommy" and I had no little "me" to take along. What I do have is a fear of horses and a Nifty 50 list that included riding a horse (see #11). When I was a kid, my aunt raised horses. I have fallen off horses, I have been bucked off horses, and I have even been run over by a horse. I have seen my cousins and uncle get kicked and bitten by horses. Needless to say, horses have never been a favorite of mine. The last time I rode a horse I was in junior high. My friend Jill had a birthday party/sleepover that included horse back riding. Jill had grown up around horses, as did many of the other girls she invited. They were country girls; I was a city slicker. So we saddled up and off we went. I don't remember much after that. I think I have blocked most of it out. I do remember the horse running, (I'm sure it was going 100  mph at one point) and I was petrified. I became very aware of the power of that horse and my inability to stop it. How did I stop the horse? I don't remember. What else happened on the horse ride that day? I don't remember. Did I have fun at the rest of my friend's birthday party and sleepover? I honestly don't remember. But I will never forget the fear I felt on that horse at that time.

So going on this field trip was kind of a big deal for me. I wouldn't call my fear of horses a full-blown phobia but it did give me a serious case of butterflies and a racing heart. I watched the kids ride first. They were fearless and excited when their name was called to take their turn at riding. I watched the instructors and helpers give important, careful, and thorough instruction. I watched the horses. Patient. Gentle. Calm. Beautiful horses. When my turn finally came, yes, I was nervous, really nervous but I wasn't fearful. The instructor assured me that the horse, Miss Blue, was not high-energy at all. This was true. Unless the instructor was actually pulling on Miss Blue, we didn't move. The instructor repeatedly gave me instructions on what to do and then she walked away. There I was, in the middle of the horse arena, on a horse that wouldn't move. So different than my last horse riding experience. Every now and then Miss Blue would take one step and then stop. I would try to get her going but nothing worked. Finally, after what seemed like forever, we made it about half way around the arena and Miss Blue stopped again. There we stood. Little kids on their horses walked by, sometimes more than once. As I sat there, I was frustrated, embarrassed, and disappointed that, despite my best efforts, this horse would not move. Just then the instructor came up and said to me, "You are doing fine, relax." She showed me a different way to hold the reins and reminded me to kick hard. And then she walked away. Again. I took a deep breath, patted Miss Blue on the neck and said, Okay Miss Blue, we can do this." I moved the reins, kicked hard, and we walked. And we walked. And we walked. And we walked. Miss Blue and I had a grand time walking around the arena. By ourselves. No instructor. It was awesome!

What made the difference this final time. I thought a lot about that on the way home. I came to the conclusion that it was my patience with the horse and determination to overcome my fear that made it possible. I was feeling quite happy in my horse-riding success and as soon as I got home I started to write this blog about the whole experience. I wrote about fear: what it is, why we have it, and how to overcome it. I wrote about patience, determination, and confidence. If I say so myself, it was a pretty good blog. I did one final proof read, feeling quite accomplished, when I heard the "Whisper"--you know, that still small voice in your heart that only comes from God, saying, "you aren't patient and determined, I am." Well wouldn't you know, God had a completely different lesson to teach me and a completely different blog for me to write.

As I contemplated my whisper from God, I reevaluated my time at the horse facility and what I thought I had learned and accomplished. My original blog post was scrapped and I have spent this last week searching out what real, patient, determined success looks like. You see, I thought I had success with the horse because of what I had done. I was patient. I was determined. I overcame my fear. I succeeded. By the world's standard today, this is true and something to be celebrated. The world's standard is a me-focused standard and that is not how I want to live my life. I don't want to celebrate me, but last Friday, that's exactly what I did. The pride I felt in "my" accomplishment quickly turned to shame as I realized that I had completely left God out. I didn't seek Him in prayer before I left for the facility. I didn't seek Him in prayer when I arrived. I never once thought about asking another Mom to pray with me or for me. I never once considered praying for the other moms, kids, or workers. My mind never once thought about Scripture and how I could rely on God's word for strength. I am embarrassed to admit that I crossed the line into full-blown pride as I allowed the focus to be on me and my fear. I am saddened by my actions, especially because I lost the opportunity to let God work and be seen in my life. I let Friday, and my success become all about me. I hope with this blog that I will rectify that and let God be seen as I share what He has taught me.

Success is not a bad thing. In Joshua 1:8 God says that we can have good success but we must be focused on Him. His word must be a priority and obedience to it must be a regular, consistent part of life. As a matter of fact, the phrase "good success" is only found in Joshua 1:8. and it is distinctly linked to God. Not self, not accomplishments, not anyone else. One of the definitions for good success is to wisely understand. I like that. When I wisely understand God and His word, when I wisely understand and follow His commands, that is good success. How cool is that?!! That is the kind of success I want. Success only becomes a bad thing when we take God out of the picture and that is why my so-called "success" with Miss Blue wasn't a success at all. Good success came when I took the time to listen and learn to what God, and Miss Blue were teaching me.

Yes, Miss Blue was teaching me patience and determination, but not mine; God's. She was reflecting God's patience with me. She was reflecting God's determination to get me going in the right direction. She was also reflecting my stubborn attitude. Yes, it's true, I can be stubborn; Jerry will back me up on this. (Oh boy, stubborn and pride, not a good combination.) Like Miss Blue, I can refuse to move. Often it takes some pretty hard kicking to get me going. Even then, I don't always go in the right direction or I only go a short way instead going the distance. Why do I do that? I know that God only has the best for me. His way is always the right way, always the right timing. I cannot even begin to put into words how grateful I am for a patient, loving, gentle God Who never gives up on me. Sometimes He just sits and waits and other times He kicks. Hard. I need those hard kicks to get me going sometimes. Those kicks also teach me that surrender and submission bring good success. Miss Blue eventually gave into my hard kick and did what she knew to do. And like I said earlier, "It was awesome!" Like Miss Blue, I need to surrender and submit. The sooner the better. Learning to walk God's way will bring good success and it's always an awesome ride.

I didn't know it on Friday but my real fear isn't horses. My real fear is not living the way God wants me to live. My fear is that I will get in the way and miss out on what God has for me and my life. I hope and pray this fear will keep me moving closer to God as I seek His will and way. It is my desire to "walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God" (Colossian 1:10). It's no coincidence that this passage of Scripture was part of my devotions and Bible study all week. I hope I will always be willing to listen, learn, and change my perspective when needed. Some may say that I'm making this a bigger deal than it really is. Perhaps. However, I am a firm believer that if I don't learn to listen to God in these small, seemingly inconsequential moments, I certainly won't know how to listen to Him when the really big things come around. And they will come around. And they will probably be bigger than a horse.

I do hope I can go horse back riding again sometime soon. When I do, I will be listening a whole lot better to what the horse, and God, have to say. Giddy Up!!